I don't

keep up with this thing as much as I had hoped, mainly because I never have time to myself anymore but I'm not complaining because being alone now for the first time in really over a month is depressing to me. I've thought about a lot a lot a lot all last night and all day today, thinking is overrated, thinking just upsets me.

I wish I could make myself happy along with everyone else. I can't make my own decisions anymore without knowing it's going to piss someone off or have someone disagree with it. Funny how it's always the people closest to me that usually have a problem with my decisions when I thought they were suppose to be the ones backing me up.

I don't really care what people think about me and CJ. He's made me happier in a month than Josh ever could in almost 3 years. I've never had a boy treat me like I was actually worth something and made me feel like I'm doing just as much for him in return. He's basically lived with me for a month now and I don't go more than 2 days with out seeing him, I don't get attached very easily but it's stupid how much I miss him when I'm not with him. I hope this lasts, but we shall see. Josh is out of my life for good. I have a lot more hate for him than I knew. What a waste of time, what a waste of life. I am a god damn idiot.

For now..

I'm happy; I guess well see how long this lasts.

If you were wondering..

I'm alive but I'm losing all my drive
Cause everything we've been through
And everything about you
Seemed to be a lie
A guiltless twisted lie
It made me learn to hate you
Or hate myself for letting it pass by

All I have to say is goodbye
Were better off this way

.

I've realized how much I hate sleeping alone..

The Journal.

I just want someone to walk in front of me so I can follow a leader, just to make me feel at ease for once in my life. It's hard to focus through all this doubt, even writing in this journal seems pointless now.. when the world ends who's going to read it? But I try, and make some comfort in written words.

All eyes are on the calender. Another year I claimed, would have been totally different. Here it is parallel, decisions to be made. This wasted year.. well, these wasted years, devoted friends they slowly disappear. People you once knew, people you trusted.. where are they now? Why do things as strong and as heartfelt as friendship always have to come to an end? Is there any such thing as forever when it comes to two people? God, it seems like so long ago... all that's left is a stupid memory but when you think back you come to realize, if it's so stupid, why is it still there? Someone who can just fade out of your life, can leave such a footprint in your heart.

I can try and live in darkness but I know I can never cheat this life. It will greet me every morning and make me more aware of its presence. I'm just a piece of the puzzle so I think I better find my place. It's like struggling in the water and being too stubborn to die, when I can just let go and be lifted. It's the decision to fight for things or to give up when it's that much easier. It's the turning of the type of person I want to be, the person I was meant to be.

It seems like it was just yesterday I wrote a letter to my family; "It's not your fault and you've been good to me, just lately I've been feeling like I don't belong... like the grounds not mine to walk on.. And I let your music echo through my house, it was so beautiful but where did it come from? And I sat watching a flower as it was withering, I was so embarrassed by its honesty. Please forgive all the things I have done, all my imperfections.. you know you can't stay mad at the setting sun. Let me close this book of wonder, this book of my life. I just want to know that feeling.. the feeling of knowing what it's like, to just be myself, give in, good night".

wish list.

I wish I wasn't so confused.
I wish I knew what you wanted.
I wish my school was done.
I wish I had a steady job without having to search for one.
I wish I was happier.
I wish I thought it would work.
I wish my business could just be mine and not everyone elses.
I wish I had money to pay off my debt.
I wish my best friend was here all the time.
I wish my 'friends' would stop getting mad at me for stupid shit.
I wish my parents understood.
I wish you weren't so far away.
I wish I didn't have to take medication.
I wish you would leave me alone.
I wish Michael wasn't moving out.
I wish there was someone else in this town I actually wanted to live with.
I wish I didn't have to pay for my mistakes.
I wish I wanted to get out of my bed in the morning.
I wish you acted like you care.
I wish everything was fair
And everything was perfect again.