RIP DJ <3

So on Tuesday, my first day off in a while I can't sleep in because my phone won't stop ringing. I finally drag myself out of bed to 3 missed calls from Sav with a text message that said "DJ was stabbed to death last night". What? Are you kidding me? How is that even real. I spent the whole day crying with CJ on and off. I don't understand how that happens. Right after David dies his best friend goes too. I can't stand death. I still don't want to believe it's real but the part that I'm really having a hard time grasping is that DJ died for absolutley no reason. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate these stupid 'crews' and the fact that everyone always has something to prove, to people that don't even fucking matter. DJ died trying to help his friend in a fight that probably started over something fucking dumb; something that wasn't worth anyone getting stabbed or losing their life over. I just can't get over it. And the sad thing is that this won't change. It effects people, but their not going to change their actions. Shit is always started over nothing and this should open people eyes to the fact that there are fucking faggots out there that will use a weapon before they use their fists but everyone thinks their invinciable. I really can't get over it. I miss you Deej. I bought a pack of Kools yesterday just for you.

Can't believe it's already August.

I have so much I want to write or I guess vent about but I don't have the time. I don't have time for much of anything anymore I work constantly, which isn't necessarily a bad thing but when I do have time off I rarely ever spend it how I want too. At this point in my life I have absolutely everything I need. A good job with good hours and decent pay, the kind of boyfriend every girl wishes they could find, going back to cape fear [only one day a week; but it shuts my dad up], and a beautiful 1 bedroom apartment on 3rd and church downtown waiting for CJ and I to move into when my lease is up at Briarcliff on the 31st. But I feel like other than CJ I have no other friends. I do, cause I hang out with them all the time I guess I mean I have no 'girlfriends'. I hang out with all boys and that's it. And as much as I hate 98% of girls period it'd still be nice to have that 2% to talk to every once in a while. Savannah has her own shit going on in Richmond, Jessica.. I couldn't even tell you, Katie is basically married and Ash Diaz is always with fucking retards.

I am so ready for something new; tired of the same people, the same faces, the same drama, I don't involve myself in anything anymore and I like it that way, even though it does get really lonely a lot of the times. Shows aren't fun for me anymore and I will usually only go if it's a show he wants to go to or we have nothing else to do cause I don't care about them at all. I've grown up so so much in the past year I know I'm not the same, it's a better change though, at least I think so. I've really had the urge to travel lately. I want to leave here so bad it kills me. I will be in Richmond sooner or later but moving within the month is occupying my time and money right now. In September we are going to Atlanta for one of CJ's competitions and I think to a few more before the year is over. Maybe the rest of the year won't be so bad.

I have a 6 hr tattoo appointment with Al today to start and maybe even finish the color on my leg. Not excited. CJ's 21st birthday is in 20 days and he is getting from his collar bones all the way to his, I guess pelvic area outlined. Very excited :)

Just when everything was getting fixed and falling into place one thing fucks it all up, that one thing being something very important to me.

I never win.

I never write in here anymore because I never have time to do anything. I finally quit working at Big D's it sucked and I made no money and I started two new jobs in the same week. Got hired at Flaming Amys and got hired at North College Road Animal Hospital, which I am way more stoked on. This whole week has been non stop all week working everyday, sometimes both places in one day and trying to figure out all my bills and living situation.

On top of Maggie moving out on us, we decided to be good friends and let Danny and Dan stay with us for a month since they had no where else to go with the request of them spliting Maggies rent (only $130 each) to help us pay for the rent, mind you they don't have any other bills to pay except cell phone.. but no a month goes by and they keep telling us they might be able to then finally one day they say 'nope, don't want to help.. helping you guys by giving you $130 will set us back from being able to put a deposit down somewhere else.' So when I kick them both out where does that money go that would set them sooo far back? To tattoos. Shitty fucking ugly ass tattoos. Fuck them. Fuck every single selfish person I thought was my friend. I'm done with every single person in this town except for CJ and Todd.. CJ and I both think Richmond looks pretty good in the near future.

And aside from all the shitty people I've surounded myself with the past 4 years Madeline goes out of town all week and I get a bill from the office saying we owe $1,233 in rent. Hmmm... our rent is only suppose to be $819. Guess I shouldn't have let someone else deal with my money and the bills because that has to be paid by oh, tomorrow and Madeline is still out of town. Anddddd we have to be out in a little over a month with no new places in mind..guess it's a good thing I'm finally gonna be making money.

Sav came home for like 3 days this past week.. I wish I could have spent more time with her but I'm going up there to stay real soon. Yesterday was CJ and I's 6 month. A 1/2 year already? Time use to drag by before. We went and saw The Hangover.. funniest movie I've seen in a while. He's getting a job in Wilmington and just moving in with me permanetly.. he might as well we've already lived together for the past 6 months, I've never said this about anyone before but I am going to marry that boy one day.

I'm sitting in court right now because out of like 80 other people that got summonds to be there I was one of the 12 that got picked to be on jury. Sortof interesting I suppose but sitting here 9-5 is miserable and I guess my case is going for the rest of the week.

I'm suppose to be on my way to Richmond today to stay with Savannah but this court shit and having to feed my dogs while my parents go out of town fucked it all up for me. Not really having a best friend, sucks.

In the past few weeks I'm like 94% sure I figured out what I want to do school wise. Online was obviously a huge fail so I think I'm going back to cape fear in the fall for a few basic classes then transfering to central carolina cc because they have an actual vet tech program there. The city its in apparently sucks but at this point ill take anything to get out of Wilmington and away from the people here. Plus CJ is moving with me and he is the only person I spend my time with now anyways. Time to grow up. Wish I could say its been fun.

Swine Flu

I hope you die of it.


I'm in the weirdest mood today.
I feel like being nice and talking to everyone I haven't talked to in a while.
My room is a mess and my heart is beating so fast for some reason.
I need to shower and see my momz for mommyz day but I can't bring myself to do it.
I mish you CJ Murdock and you've only been gone for like an hour.
I thought I was in love before. Epic fail.
I now know the difference, the feeling, of just loving someone and actually being IN love.
I finally believe there is actually someone out there for everyone, you don't have to settle.
And I didn't even have to search, he was right in front of my face this whole time.
Too bad it took me so damn long to realize it.

Today has just started and it already sucks. I guess this shitty weather would be ok if I was at home sleeping with my boyfriend but of course I have to work whenever he gets into town. I was 45 minutes late for work this morning but I've made a pretty decent amount of tips for it to be breakfast time still. 3:00 can't come soon enough.

Danny and Dan got evicted last weekend so living in my tiny apartment is currently: Me, Madeline, Maggie, Dan, Danny, and Robby.Plus Josh Pitts, Josh Murdock and CJ like 5 days out of the week. So much for alone time.