I just want someone to walk in front of me so I can follow a leader, just to make me feel at ease for once in my life. It's hard to focus through all this doubt, even writing in this journal seems pointless now.. when the world ends who's going to read it? But I try, and make some comfort in written words.
All eyes are on the calender. Another year I claimed, would have been totally different. Here it is parallel, decisions to be made. This wasted year.. well, these wasted years, devoted friends they slowly disappear. People you once knew, people you trusted.. where are they now? Why do things as strong and as heartfelt as friendship always have to come to an end? Is there any such thing as forever when it comes to two people? God, it seems like so long ago... all that's left is a stupid memory but when you think back you come to realize, if it's so stupid, why is it still there? Someone who can just fade out of your life, can leave such a footprint in your heart.
I can try and live in darkness but I know I can never cheat this life. It will greet me every morning and make me more aware of its presence. I'm just a piece of the puzzle so I think I better find my place. It's like struggling in the water and being too stubborn to die, when I can just let go and be lifted. It's the decision to fight for things or to give up when it's that much easier. It's the turning of the type of person I want to be, the person I was meant to be.
It seems like it was just yesterday I wrote a letter to my family; "It's not your fault and you've been good to me, just lately I've been feeling like I don't belong... like the grounds not mine to walk on.. And I let your music echo through my house, it was so beautiful but where did it come from? And I sat watching a flower as it was withering, I was so embarrassed by its honesty. Please forgive all the things I have done, all my imperfections.. you know you can't stay mad at the setting sun. Let me close this book of wonder, this book of my life. I just want to know that feeling.. the feeling of knowing what it's like, to just be myself, give in, good night".
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I've been there. One million times before. A dad that abused me. A neighbor that raped me. A mom who couldn't choose. and there was me... Nothing was mine. Not even my lungs, the were owned by the damned cigarettes I still smoke. That dirty little habit. I never was good at walking a straight line. But, with time... with age, with a new city to call my own... You learn that the past doesn't make you stronger. It in fact, makes you weaker. It makes you tired because you have to fight even harder to assume the role that society calls "normal"... when really, in your heart you know you'll never be that way. But, it's when you accept that that you start living. Accepting who you are, and where you've been is the first step to breakin through your oppressions. But, it's girls like us, like you... that this world really needs... because eventually you learn how to fight, how to never give up... How to give your all. And how to still be standing when everyone else around you has fallen.
Post a Comment