RIP DJ <3

So on Tuesday, my first day off in a while I can't sleep in because my phone won't stop ringing. I finally drag myself out of bed to 3 missed calls from Sav with a text message that said "DJ was stabbed to death last night". What? Are you kidding me? How is that even real. I spent the whole day crying with CJ on and off. I don't understand how that happens. Right after David dies his best friend goes too. I can't stand death. I still don't want to believe it's real but the part that I'm really having a hard time grasping is that DJ died for absolutley no reason. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate these stupid 'crews' and the fact that everyone always has something to prove, to people that don't even fucking matter. DJ died trying to help his friend in a fight that probably started over something fucking dumb; something that wasn't worth anyone getting stabbed or losing their life over. I just can't get over it. And the sad thing is that this won't change. It effects people, but their not going to change their actions. Shit is always started over nothing and this should open people eyes to the fact that there are fucking faggots out there that will use a weapon before they use their fists but everyone thinks their invinciable. I really can't get over it. I miss you Deej. I bought a pack of Kools yesterday just for you.

Can't believe it's already August.

I have so much I want to write or I guess vent about but I don't have the time. I don't have time for much of anything anymore I work constantly, which isn't necessarily a bad thing but when I do have time off I rarely ever spend it how I want too. At this point in my life I have absolutely everything I need. A good job with good hours and decent pay, the kind of boyfriend every girl wishes they could find, going back to cape fear [only one day a week; but it shuts my dad up], and a beautiful 1 bedroom apartment on 3rd and church downtown waiting for CJ and I to move into when my lease is up at Briarcliff on the 31st. But I feel like other than CJ I have no other friends. I do, cause I hang out with them all the time I guess I mean I have no 'girlfriends'. I hang out with all boys and that's it. And as much as I hate 98% of girls period it'd still be nice to have that 2% to talk to every once in a while. Savannah has her own shit going on in Richmond, Jessica.. I couldn't even tell you, Katie is basically married and Ash Diaz is always with fucking retards.

I am so ready for something new; tired of the same people, the same faces, the same drama, I don't involve myself in anything anymore and I like it that way, even though it does get really lonely a lot of the times. Shows aren't fun for me anymore and I will usually only go if it's a show he wants to go to or we have nothing else to do cause I don't care about them at all. I've grown up so so much in the past year I know I'm not the same, it's a better change though, at least I think so. I've really had the urge to travel lately. I want to leave here so bad it kills me. I will be in Richmond sooner or later but moving within the month is occupying my time and money right now. In September we are going to Atlanta for one of CJ's competitions and I think to a few more before the year is over. Maybe the rest of the year won't be so bad.

I have a 6 hr tattoo appointment with Al today to start and maybe even finish the color on my leg. Not excited. CJ's 21st birthday is in 20 days and he is getting from his collar bones all the way to his, I guess pelvic area outlined. Very excited :)

Just when everything was getting fixed and falling into place one thing fucks it all up, that one thing being something very important to me.

I never win.

I never write in here anymore because I never have time to do anything. I finally quit working at Big D's it sucked and I made no money and I started two new jobs in the same week. Got hired at Flaming Amys and got hired at North College Road Animal Hospital, which I am way more stoked on. This whole week has been non stop all week working everyday, sometimes both places in one day and trying to figure out all my bills and living situation.

On top of Maggie moving out on us, we decided to be good friends and let Danny and Dan stay with us for a month since they had no where else to go with the request of them spliting Maggies rent (only $130 each) to help us pay for the rent, mind you they don't have any other bills to pay except cell phone.. but no a month goes by and they keep telling us they might be able to then finally one day they say 'nope, don't want to help.. helping you guys by giving you $130 will set us back from being able to put a deposit down somewhere else.' So when I kick them both out where does that money go that would set them sooo far back? To tattoos. Shitty fucking ugly ass tattoos. Fuck them. Fuck every single selfish person I thought was my friend. I'm done with every single person in this town except for CJ and Todd.. CJ and I both think Richmond looks pretty good in the near future.

And aside from all the shitty people I've surounded myself with the past 4 years Madeline goes out of town all week and I get a bill from the office saying we owe $1,233 in rent. Hmmm... our rent is only suppose to be $819. Guess I shouldn't have let someone else deal with my money and the bills because that has to be paid by oh, tomorrow and Madeline is still out of town. Anddddd we have to be out in a little over a month with no new places in mind..guess it's a good thing I'm finally gonna be making money.

Sav came home for like 3 days this past week.. I wish I could have spent more time with her but I'm going up there to stay real soon. Yesterday was CJ and I's 6 month. A 1/2 year already? Time use to drag by before. We went and saw The Hangover.. funniest movie I've seen in a while. He's getting a job in Wilmington and just moving in with me permanetly.. he might as well we've already lived together for the past 6 months, I've never said this about anyone before but I am going to marry that boy one day.

I'm sitting in court right now because out of like 80 other people that got summonds to be there I was one of the 12 that got picked to be on jury. Sortof interesting I suppose but sitting here 9-5 is miserable and I guess my case is going for the rest of the week.

I'm suppose to be on my way to Richmond today to stay with Savannah but this court shit and having to feed my dogs while my parents go out of town fucked it all up for me. Not really having a best friend, sucks.

In the past few weeks I'm like 94% sure I figured out what I want to do school wise. Online was obviously a huge fail so I think I'm going back to cape fear in the fall for a few basic classes then transfering to central carolina cc because they have an actual vet tech program there. The city its in apparently sucks but at this point ill take anything to get out of Wilmington and away from the people here. Plus CJ is moving with me and he is the only person I spend my time with now anyways. Time to grow up. Wish I could say its been fun.

Swine Flu

I hope you die of it.


I'm in the weirdest mood today.
I feel like being nice and talking to everyone I haven't talked to in a while.
My room is a mess and my heart is beating so fast for some reason.
I need to shower and see my momz for mommyz day but I can't bring myself to do it.
I mish you CJ Murdock and you've only been gone for like an hour.
I thought I was in love before. Epic fail.
I now know the difference, the feeling, of just loving someone and actually being IN love.
I finally believe there is actually someone out there for everyone, you don't have to settle.
And I didn't even have to search, he was right in front of my face this whole time.
Too bad it took me so damn long to realize it.

Today has just started and it already sucks. I guess this shitty weather would be ok if I was at home sleeping with my boyfriend but of course I have to work whenever he gets into town. I was 45 minutes late for work this morning but I've made a pretty decent amount of tips for it to be breakfast time still. 3:00 can't come soon enough.

Danny and Dan got evicted last weekend so living in my tiny apartment is currently: Me, Madeline, Maggie, Dan, Danny, and Robby.Plus Josh Pitts, Josh Murdock and CJ like 5 days out of the week. So much for alone time.

Yes.

Yes, it did. You're so pathetic.


Cookout in Wilmington?
About fucking time.

Hmz...

I don't know how I always forget I have these things. I guess forgetting isn't really what it is.. I've just mainly used blogs for venting and bitching but lately I've had nothing to complain about. Other than having no money.. but I guess that's everyone's issue these days.

I've never been so content with everything going on around me. Sometimes I look for things to worry or get mad about because it seems to good to be but maybe I'm just a really negative person? Or insecure? Or out of my mind? Whatever I think to much.

Not much has changed for me really.. going to Raleigh this weekend.. still working at the same place.. hopefully getting a 2nd job real soon to make ends meet.. currently looking for a house and breaking my lease early because that apartment sucks and I refuse to be there till August.. I miss Savannah so much but I'm going to Richmond in the next week or two to help her move into her new apartment.. CJ is everything I've ever wanted and nothing less. Our 5 month is real soon.. everyone says they knew we would end up together one day but no one thought it would last.. I love being right; I'm ALWAYS right. David passed away a few weeks ago, I get so frustrated every time I think about it because I never texted him back the last time he had text me... if only I knew it'd be the last time.........
'What if's' will be the death of me one of these days. I finally started working on my ganesh tattoo.. it's beautiful and huge. It goes from my hip all the way down the side of my thigh.. almost positive my dads gonna put a bullet in my head when he sees it. I don't know when I'm gonna have the money to finish it though. Bummer.

Robby and Dan are watching Stepbrothers and it keeps taking my attention away from this so until next time.....................

Tuesday and Wednesday were the worst two days of 09 for me yet. But everything is fixed now. It's hard dating someone who is just as stubborn and just as rude as you are, leads to some pretty intense fights; making up always rules though.

It is BEAUTIFUL outside and suppose to be even hotter tomorrow, I'm so excited about it. Too bad CJ didn't decide to go to bed till 9 this morning cause I'm ready to be outside not laying around till he decides to get up. Too much to get done today. I think I'm going to ride my bike for a while.

How's your News is my absolute new favorite show.

Other than being at work this is the first time I've been alone in soo long. Siege is out riding bikes with Josh Pitts and everyone else is at work or something. I need more alone time I think. My bike comes this week, now it just needs to get warm and stay warm.

Everything is good right now. Very good. Valentines was so fun. He bought me a huge bag of twilzers and a bear then wrote 25 reasons why he is in love with me and hid them around my room and I had to find them, it was cute. I changed my mind about getting my ribs tattooed.. he's doing my ganesh on my thigh next month, I'm excited. I always have a lot of things to write about but I take forever to update this thing I just forget it all.

I found out I still owe $400 towards the car I wrecked which blows.. I don't think Obama is as great as we thought he was going to be.

Werd.

Went to the family first tattoo anniversary on Sunday and won $100 towards a tattoo. Word up can finally start my ribzz.

Siege is back in New Bern till Thursday. Blows. I will be sleeping as much as possible the next two days.
Ready to move into a new house.
Ready to get my taxes back.
Ready to have money for myself again.
Ready for CJ to move to Wilmington.
Ready for Sav to come home.
Ready to go to Ohio.
Ready for Valentinez <3

Am I the only one that had no idea snow was coming? I suppose it's a nice surprise to wake up too. I've been up since like 8 this morning, I guess I'm incapable of sleeping alone cause I never get a full night of sleep anymore when it's by myself... anyways I was up for like an hour and a half before I realized it was even snowing.. leave it up to myspace bulletins to be the one that informed me of it's presence.

Madd, Maggie and I are going to look at a new house today. I'm so excited, this apartment is gross I hate living here. I want my own yard and driveway and room to actually walk around in.. not just a tiny living room with even tinier rooms attached. We pay 819 to live here and we would pay 900 to live there... completely worth it.

I stayed up and read all of my old livejournal posts last night.. and since I mostly used that thing for venting it just brought back a lot of bad memories and fights from the past couple of years.. I don't know what went so wrong and how it got so bad... ugh.

Going to wake up Robby, I'm tired of hanging out by myself.

i miss you so fucking much.

WEEDS.

Hands down, best show I've ever seen. Currently watching season 3. Someone should get me season 4. Really.

Robby stripped last night for some extra cash, too bad they didn't tell him it was a gay bar until he got there to preform. Lawlz. Most awkward/gross night of 09 yet.

CJ is leaving today after being here for the past two weeks.
God damn. That. Sucks.

Happy girl.

I have never been this happy consistently in so long. At this very moment I have my boyfriend asleep beside me, Jagger and Elephant the two new kitties Maggie and I adopted sleeping at my feet and 7 or 8 of my good friends in my living room. I wish I could live like this forever, but nothing lasts forever.

Robby got me a job with him which rules, I just wish I got more hours. Only have one more test to take with my school stuff before I can get a new shipment. My parents aren't on my back nearly as much as they were and Savannah might be moving back home at the end of the semester! Danny, Dan and Allens lease is up at the end February which sucks so hard but we had the idea of finding like a 6 bedroom duplex, ending our lease early and all moving in together... but that is almost to perfect to actually work out but we shall see.

I'm ready for March to get here. Warmer weather, I assume everyones spring break is somewhere around that time, going to Ohio with CJ for him and his brothers fights and UBF again.. more excited to be back in Richmond than the actual show.
But kitties are hungry and siege is awake.. l8r!

This isn't

getting easier. Why do I have access to shit I don't want to have access too. I don't want to know anything about you.

Recap.. or something.

2008 has brought more changes for me than the past few years. Both good and bad I suppose, change scares the shit out of me but I've dealt pretty well.

The biggest change for me is no longer being with Josh, since I have been for the past 3.
Moved out of my parents house and am having the time of my life.
Quit forever21 after working there for 3 years.
My best friend moved to another state.
Precious died :(
Decided not to go back to cape fear, and do online school; huge fail.
Adopted a new dog and a new cat.
Am dating someone I NEVER thought I'd be with and am falling in love for the 2nd time.
Started smoking again.
Wrecked the shit out of someone elses car.
Fell in love with the city of Richmond and constantly wanted to be there.
First time ever in my life being out of school and jobless.
Got back on my depression medication.
Fixed some friendships but still hated on certains harder than ever.
Spent a lot of time AWAY from Wilmington.
In debt more than ever before, but makin it work!


09 has already been good to me, need it to last <3

I don't

keep up with this thing as much as I had hoped, mainly because I never have time to myself anymore but I'm not complaining because being alone now for the first time in really over a month is depressing to me. I've thought about a lot a lot a lot all last night and all day today, thinking is overrated, thinking just upsets me.

I wish I could make myself happy along with everyone else. I can't make my own decisions anymore without knowing it's going to piss someone off or have someone disagree with it. Funny how it's always the people closest to me that usually have a problem with my decisions when I thought they were suppose to be the ones backing me up.

I don't really care what people think about me and CJ. He's made me happier in a month than Josh ever could in almost 3 years. I've never had a boy treat me like I was actually worth something and made me feel like I'm doing just as much for him in return. He's basically lived with me for a month now and I don't go more than 2 days with out seeing him, I don't get attached very easily but it's stupid how much I miss him when I'm not with him. I hope this lasts, but we shall see. Josh is out of my life for good. I have a lot more hate for him than I knew. What a waste of time, what a waste of life. I am a god damn idiot.

For now..

I'm happy; I guess well see how long this lasts.