.

I've realized how much I hate sleeping alone..

The Journal.

I just want someone to walk in front of me so I can follow a leader, just to make me feel at ease for once in my life. It's hard to focus through all this doubt, even writing in this journal seems pointless now.. when the world ends who's going to read it? But I try, and make some comfort in written words.

All eyes are on the calender. Another year I claimed, would have been totally different. Here it is parallel, decisions to be made. This wasted year.. well, these wasted years, devoted friends they slowly disappear. People you once knew, people you trusted.. where are they now? Why do things as strong and as heartfelt as friendship always have to come to an end? Is there any such thing as forever when it comes to two people? God, it seems like so long ago... all that's left is a stupid memory but when you think back you come to realize, if it's so stupid, why is it still there? Someone who can just fade out of your life, can leave such a footprint in your heart.

I can try and live in darkness but I know I can never cheat this life. It will greet me every morning and make me more aware of its presence. I'm just a piece of the puzzle so I think I better find my place. It's like struggling in the water and being too stubborn to die, when I can just let go and be lifted. It's the decision to fight for things or to give up when it's that much easier. It's the turning of the type of person I want to be, the person I was meant to be.

It seems like it was just yesterday I wrote a letter to my family; "It's not your fault and you've been good to me, just lately I've been feeling like I don't belong... like the grounds not mine to walk on.. And I let your music echo through my house, it was so beautiful but where did it come from? And I sat watching a flower as it was withering, I was so embarrassed by its honesty. Please forgive all the things I have done, all my imperfections.. you know you can't stay mad at the setting sun. Let me close this book of wonder, this book of my life. I just want to know that feeling.. the feeling of knowing what it's like, to just be myself, give in, good night".

wish list.

I wish I wasn't so confused.
I wish I knew what you wanted.
I wish my school was done.
I wish I had a steady job without having to search for one.
I wish I was happier.
I wish I thought it would work.
I wish my business could just be mine and not everyone elses.
I wish I had money to pay off my debt.
I wish my best friend was here all the time.
I wish my 'friends' would stop getting mad at me for stupid shit.
I wish my parents understood.
I wish you weren't so far away.
I wish I didn't have to take medication.
I wish you would leave me alone.
I wish Michael wasn't moving out.
I wish there was someone else in this town I actually wanted to live with.
I wish I didn't have to pay for my mistakes.
I wish I wanted to get out of my bed in the morning.
I wish you acted like you care.
I wish everything was fair
And everything was perfect again.

Ruined

All morning I've been trying to listen to songs I loved like 3 years ago and I can't get through any of them because all they do is remind me of you. Every single one. WHY.

Sing me something soft, sad and delicate
Or loud and out of key, sing me anything
Were glad for what we've got, done with what we lost
Our whole lives laid out right in front of us...

It's werid

At this point in my life, right now, I'm pretty content and happy with the way things are going. I guess I needed to stop caring about everything a long time ago. I don't sweat the small things or let much of anything get to me. I know that's not normal but for right now it's working.
I almost hate being happy just because people close to me are going through hard times and I don't want to I guess you could say 'rub it in their face'.

I'm just focusing too much on trying to make myself happy that I'm not getting shit done that I need too, like school. If I don't start doing it my parents are gonna make me move home and then all these fun times will be short lived. I miss Sav all the time. I hate the phone being the only way to talk to the one person I talk to everything about. I really took it for granted when she lived 5 minutes away from me.

Going to luckys tonight for klu. Not the mongoloids. The mongoloids suck. It should be fun, I know a lot of people are going and I havent been to a show here in a while, espically a good one. Then I suppose people are coming back over here like always. I love it cause I never have to spend gas my friends just come to me :)

uhm

weird fucking weekend.

rock bottom.

Instead of people telling me things will get better, I wish they'd just tell me when.
When I'm struggling with money more than I ever have before my carelessness would bring me down even more. Drove Josh's [new] car to Richmond this past week cause he needed to use my jeep for moving shit and his car is way better on gas. I probably should have just went home when I drove a hundred and fifty fucking miles out of my way because I have no common sense but no. I wanted to be in Richmond I wanted to be there for my best friends birthday as she was there for mine. But fuck North Carolina for not having one way streets for me to learn to drive on because Richmond is full of them, and apparently some of them have stop signs. And while I am aware you are suppose to stop at a stop sign I guess one just creeped up on me and I just creeped into an intersection of on coming dump trucks. Long story short: got clipped on the back end, spun out like 5 times, the 3 assholes that clipped me went to the hospital for no reason, me, Whitney and Matt almost get mutilated by a huge truck, I'm now paying more on my insurance Joshs insurance and buying him a new car.. all because I ran a stop sign.

Completely ruined my mood for the h2o show ha but I went anyways. My roommate had to drive half way to Virginia to bring me home and Joshs car is still up there.. somewhere. Guess I won't be back there for a while or anywhere but here on account of being broke as shit. And I suppose my birthday money is no longer going towards my tattoo. My parents were even going to make me move out of my apartment and move back home which honestly is the best thing and probably what I should do but I can't leave here. As much as I hate it I love it even more. So their making me get back on my crazy medication instead, which as this point might be a good thing.